Creativity and the Working Kato

"What a writer wants to do is not what he does".
Jorge Luis Borges 

 I have been struggling very much as of late in regards to what I am doing, and what I want to be doing.  Just like thousands of others out there I am sure, I want to be writing and creating, not pushing numbers on a daily basis.  Sure, accounting is a challenge and it's not like I am neglecting to use my brain every day, I just don't want to be using THAT side of my brain.

Many studies have been done to show that "freedom from external pressure or control and a warm, supportive environment are necessary or at least quite helpful for creativity" (Handbook of Creativity).  People: my world is a cold, hard place to be, creatively speaking.  I am sure many can relate: wake up, go to work, work, go home, go to sleep, wake up, go to work, work.... I have a lot of people ask me why I allow myself to get sucked into this cycle.  Why don't I go out more, expand my horizons, that sort of thing.  There are many contributors to why I don't, but the two that top the list are I am financially disabled and I am a loner.  Sort of.  I have my people and I am okay with that.  I always have been.  Going out and meeting tons of people and doing lots of exciting things and spending all my non-existent cash more so addles my brain than it does clear it.  Now I am not saying that these are bad things to do, I just find my brain gets very tired the more things I have on the go.  God I sound lame.  Excuse me while I complain about my sciatic nerve.

Work plays a major factor in squeezing my creative juices dry.  I don't love my job, you know?  Maybe I just don't like dealing with people, maybe that's my major issue.  The more drama and bullshit that goes on around me the more I can't help myself from being affected by it and the more I can't even form a coherent sentence at the end of the day.  Again, a stupid cycle.  And again I am asked all the time why I let it get to me, and my answer is always that I can't help it.  I am very sensitive to the vibes and moods going on around me.  Also, when you work with pretty much all your friends and your boyfriend, it's VERY difficult not to let your emotions get in the way.  I try.  But I have ovaries which cause me to fail, time and time again.  It's just that my sensibilities get hurt and I get a little faint and can't recover without some smelling salts.  You know how it is ladies! C'mon!

So why don't I just quit?  I don't know! This is the question that plagues me daily folks.  It's like a black, writhing, strangling weight on my soul.  Well okay, it's not that bad, really.  But then why don't we all just quit? Because we need the money? Because we are scared to let our spirit run free with the wind?  Because we like to eat? A lot?  In case you didn't know, I was substituting 'we' for 'I'.  Just in case you didn't catch what I did there.

I used to be such a carefree soul, so light-hearted (shut up dear friends of mine!) and had infinite amounts of patience (ahem).  I feel like the older I get the more I am becoming an angry old lady who will most likely end up living in a ramshackle house at the end of the street with 250 cats and all the kids will walk by and point at me and yell "Witch! Witch!" and I will cackle because that's what my laugh will become.  And I will hex them and throw weird smelling substances their way because that is funny to do. *cackle cackle*

This is why I try my best to write every day.  Even if it's something that is not that interesting to the masses, or seems like I am copping out on my writing allotment for the day, at least I am practicing my art.  I may not be amazing at it, but I love it, and will keep doing it no matter how jaded I become in life.

"Every word written is a victory against death".
Michel Butor

 Jeez, can I get any more melodramatic?  But honestly folks, let me ask you this:  how do you balance your creativity and your 'normal' life?